Its not often I read the tabloids, but on the odd occasion i’m stuck in the dentist’s office and they’ve run out of gum disease pamphlets I am reminded at how deeply inane some people are.
A couple of such inane people particularly stuck out for me this week. The first is Phil, he owns a cat, Chloe. This apparently qualifies as news. They say that animals end up looking like their owners, if that is indeed the case then Chloe is one fucking unlucky cat.
Chloe is in to watersports and light asphyxiation.
Now, the entire basis of the story runs on how the cat enjoys hot water. The editor of the national paper that ran this story had it on his desk, and thought enough of it to dispatch a photographer to catch this phenomenon occurring. Who needs to chronicle anything else when you have a guaranteed Pulitzer right here?
“Her ears prick up whenever i turn the water on. I need to keep the shower door shut just to keep her from comming in!”
Phil, you filthy bastard. I think the Sun missed the real headline here, “Man found teabagging cat in showers.” Doesn’t have much finesse to it, but apparently neither do The Sun’s readership.
My second shitbag of the week is ‘a baffled gran’ who thinks that Satan has been traipsing through her back garden.
I can picture the converstation in Hell
“So Satan, you only get the day off once every millenia, what are you going to do this time around? How about mixing up some more amargedon? I know you’ve had that project on hold for a while now.”
“No, not this time Jerry. I think i’m going to head up and fuck with that Jill Wade again. You know, the one from Devon? Yeah, she goes apeshit when I leave hoofprints in the snow outside her bungalow.”
That’s right Jill, Beelzebub decides to manifest himself and instead of leaving carnage and destruction in his wake he leaves a few malformed marks in the snow for a pensioner to find. In between heavy metal solos and blood orgies I’m sure thats how the dark prince likes to get his rocks off. If you want a sign from a higher power that bad, next time God is in the area I’ll make sure he drops by throws some deaf children through your front window for you.
